I want to start this post by stating that it is rather unusual. Usually I post something because it has been haunting my thoughts, or was pre-written in my journal, but today I don't know what I want to write about.
Maybe I will just record a catch-up. I might not even publish this, but then, this is the real me too.
Let's see, the farthest I can remember back right now is the tournament, so I will start there. A lot of the Alumni showed up on Friday night, which was really splendid. Adam, Jake, Austin, Tim, Ian, and Katelyn were all present. It brought back some of the old club spirit to have them with us, but it was also a subtle reminder that things change. Some of them were judging rounds, and the ones that weren't didn't compete. I really appreciated it as a transition time though, we had both new club members and old together, and for inflexible folks like me who don't handle change too well, it was a symbolic smoothing over.
Besides all the cool people (which totally made it worth it in of themselves) the tournament itself went really well. I really learned a lot about trust and confidence. For one thing, I've began notice that I don't get nervous before every round anymore. I used to have a very difficult time with this, but as time has passed it's become less so, especially now that I'm coaching and I have to encourage others not to be afraid. I was really surprised after breaks that I hadn't been nervous, especially considering that Caleb and I hadn't broken in debate yet, and we only had more chance (we had to skip the Dallas tourny because of school, and don't usually travel out of state since there are 3 in-state). I've realized that when I really trust God, it doesn't matter as much, because either way it seems to work out, just maybe not under my definitions.
Anyhows.... after the tournament we came home. (I know, stunning.) Everything was going pretty well until I found out that while I was gone they moved my Grandpa into a nursing home. I'm so not cool with that. Not only did no-one bother to tell me, but it just doesn't make sense. He hasn't been well for months, granted. But he belongs with his family, not strangers. The doctor did say that if he gets his strength up enough to stand (he won't have to walk) than he come back home.
This was a bit of shock to me because while there had been talk of it before I left, I never believe bad ideas will come of anything. I'm an optimist, which is to say, in light of eternal perspective, a realist. But this does mean that in the temporal world I am sometimes disappointed. I knew that it was an option of course, but I truly believed that Grandpa would get will before it came about, or at the very least, that the nurses would be willing to train mom to take care of him like she had offered. I guess that it didn't work out that way.
I haven't seen him since I've been home, and I'm kind of afraid to. Ever since I've lived here my grandparents have always lived in the same home about 1o minutes away. I have memories of playing in their yard with my cousins at the age of 3, or sleeping with Muppet on the couch, or sneaking cookies and candy-canes. It really won't be the same place without Grandpa there, and I almost think that he won't be the same person without his house. It doesn't seem right that he should be away from my Grandma, away from Uncle Dan, and away from us. Instead of spending his time at home he will now be living with strangers who don't really know him, or really care about him.
It's not that the nursing home he's at is such a bad place. I've given speeches there, played bingo with the old folks, and even tricker-treated when I was little. It's not to far from our house, and the nurses are mostly kind. But it isn't where my Grandpa belongs. He belongs to me, not them, and it doesn't seem right that people should take him away. It's a grand place for those other people, but not for my Grandpa. He has stories to tell, and he shouldn't have to live somewhere where people merely exist, going from one activity to another, from breakfast to bingo to tv to lunch accomplishing nothing. It's not like him.
It's probably selfish of me, and just another example of how I hate things to change, but I don't like it! Why are things like this so out of my control?
So yeah. I had no idea what I wanted to write about, and now, you know who I really am. Or at least, who I am today.
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